I never update this...tend to be a myspace freak.  Damn me.

It's funny cause I don't like that song but that is the first thing that came to mind...who knew? I didn't and still don't...mwhahahaha. I get silly at the end of the "night" (cause it is actually 7am but since I work overnights it's night now). Ok so I haven't started working those ON's yet but tonight I shadow for the first night...woohoo. I am also getting a bed today and some other furniture. That is cool.

I had to make a hard realization...or level of acceptance or some shit. That I don't like one of my friends like she likes me. That sucks and is not the 1st time this has happened...geez what is my deal. She is just too people pleasing and negative for me at this point in my life and I have so much work to do on myself that I just can invest in a "fixer upper"...ahahaha. That is a bad way to say it but it kind of is like that. Man I gotta stay awake for like 6 more hours and I am getting a bit tired.

I was productive for the 2nd night in a row! I did laundry and washed this fabric that I am using as a curtain and I noticed the condition of the blinds (ewwww) so I scrubbed them. Was gonna do the livingroom ones too bad I got lazy. Also organized my file cabinet, front closet, and parts of my room. I am mad impressed with myself. AND I read some NA literature (rock on with my bad self). I alsways forget to write in this damn thing...damn myspace.

I am really behind on my internet bill so I might just shut it down until I start getting paid from work and can afford this shit...that relapse really wrecked some havoc on my finances but whatever.

I got a job at the company I worked at before my decent into darkness...suckers hired me back..mwhahahaha! But this time I will be working overnights at a home with like 8 kids. It should be cool. One of the guys I have already worked with lives there:) I am tired so I am not gonna write anymore right now.

Omg Tasha get over yourself. Get over it. Let it go! I just feel like such shit...I don't even want to get outta bed. I go to meetings and feel better for awhile but at least I am not using, right? I haven't cut since the stitches...which was a whopping 3 days ago or something. I have no real idea of time anymore...it is measured in meetings. I know the day only by the meeting I went to the night before or the one I am to go to tonight.

Wow the anger explodes out of me as the words are typed on my laptop...the feelings I didnt know I had. The reason for all my misgivings and distance. I had no idea. Something gets triggered and BAM it's like I knew it all along. The clarity is unreal.
Tears well up in my eyes as I realize another thing is changing...another thing that will never go back to the way it was. That is what life is about, right. Change. But I cringe, I hate it. I hate when I feel like I lose people. I hate that my trust is so easily lost. That one wrong deed makes me back away without even knowing why...until I explode all over someone.

Abandonment...I guess I finally got the the root of it. That I feel lonely cause I feel I no longer hold a special place in anyones heart. Not if they have someone to fuck. Not if they have someone who wants to fuck them. Friendship isn't enough. I know that it is a construct of my mind. I KNOW THAT. But that doesn't stop the pain. Doesn't seem to stop the video in my mind that is a montage of friends leaving me for another...I am so full of myself that I actually believe this to be an insult. Because I am not the most important person to anyone. I no longer hold that place. How deranged and absurd is that? When I hate me and there is no one to love me...who am I? I feel as if I just disappear then. Without recognition and appreciating...I am nothing.

I ask that question of a lot of things. Why this and why that. Why am I never quite sure who or what I am atrracted to? Why did I not get "thin" genes? Why am I alone? Why didn't I quit drugs sooner? Why do I want to hurt myself? Why do I feel so little? Why do I feel too much? Why do I develop crushes on the unattainable?

Ok the last one I am sure has some freudian undertones or something. The thrill ofthe chase. Why devour what is so readily available...cause that is what I do. I feel I do not love, I devour. I take whatever I want and then leave the carcass. Its not as horrific as it sounds...I don't think anyway. I don't do this on purpose...I don't think. Who knows though...I never really know what I am thinking or why I do things. I am sick of not knowing if I am gonna wake up and scope out girls or guys...I think that I am omni-sexual...I just do whatever I feel is good at the time and move on...like a tornado. Although I am a sexless tornado these days cause it's not really the casual encounter that I am after. I want that one person to love. To feel comfortable with...I just always chose the wrong people to want that with. Not the ones that would or could love me back. It really is pathological I think. I know that I am not ready for realy intimacy anyway...but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting it.

I am just being depressing...

Ok, so I slept like all day. I guess I really can't sleep without sleeping meds and that kind of pisses me off...especially when they don't help all that much to sleep anyway but I guess a little help is better then none right? I am not really in a bad mood but I do feel a little like a piece of shit when I do nothing all day. I am trying to be kind to myself about the whole thing and be cool with ONE day of laziness isn't gonna kill me. I gotta give this shit to good ol' HP. Of course my mind wants to focus on all the things I SHOULD be doing right now (laundry, cleaning, etc)but "normal" people don't ALWAYS do what they SHOULD be doing right. I have been doing rather well not being TOO lazy and before I was lazy all the time so this is progress so WTF am I bitching about...nothing really. If I wanna change then do it and no complain about it is what it comes down to...damn it knowing what is the best thing to do. So I guess that means it's time to do it.

Ok so I talked to my sponsor today and told her that I feel that I should be writing on my 3rd step cause writing about the first 2 seems like going backwards. I didn't premeditated that at all it was like a weird feeling I got all of a sudden. She said to go for it so that is cool. At first I was wondering about my motives cause I can be shady and want an easy out but it appears pure and that kicks ass. I gotta get some laundry done today...but it will get done so no worries. I am gonna try and make homemade soup today so we'll see how that turns out lol. I just feel so good right now which is good cause yesterday I was tired and crabby and that is no good lol. But I made it out clean:)

Ok so I am actually writing in this things again. It's been awhile but whatever. I have like a week and a half clean and it has been hard but yesterday's meeting was freakin great. I was filled with meaning and purpose again...who knows how long it will last but who cares cause it's good right now and that is all I really have. Still having anxiety about leaving my space but it is getting better the more that I get outta my apartment and my head. It can be damn dangerous in there.
I have been up since 3 am and I am tired but can't sleep. At least it is a change from staying up all night and sleeping all day right? I have been trying to get to a "normal" sleep pattern for awhile now so soon perhaps it will get there. I am ansty for spring cause hibernation happens in winter. But I am not gonna just whine. I am grateful for today and the fact that I have a friend who is picking me up for a noon meeting cause I don't wanna drive (cause I am lazy maybe?).
OMG though yesterday was a little nuts..I gotta write this...Valerie added me to her Yahoo messenger and I haven't even talk to her in damn near 2 years so that was wierd. Heard some shit about my ex BF James...ended up talking to him on the phone. He lives in SD, has a job, and lives with some girl. Good for him. At least he is not dead. At first when Val even brought up his name I started to bawl cause it was like we broke up 2 days ago. That relationship was some fucked up shit. Started doing some obsessing but now it's all good. I kinda feel like I got some closure on the whole deal cause he is still pretty much the same person (except he has a job...couldn't get him to get one when we were together lol).
Well, I gotta get dressed b4 the meeting...I'm out!

Ok not really but I haven't been to this site in AGES! I keep forgetting I guess? Damn Myspace. I have a little over a week clean and it is hard as hell but I can do it. I will write more at a later time cause my eyes hurt and my battery is low...

Tomorrow is the last day of the month and I have yet to contact EDHA...I need my rent reduced again b4 the 1st. My greens are still cooking...I am using the long simmer method. The hocks have dismantled themselves due to the prolonged heat exposure. There is still so much water...they have been cooking for damn near 2 hrs already. My rats are a bit stir crazy from being caged all day but damn. My bed is in th elivingroom. I went to a meeting last night and think I am in love with Dan...lol. I got high all today and am high now but I am just trying to somke as much as I can so that it is gone when I wake up tomorrow and I have to deal with life again. Although maybe I should wait until after the show...